The dreams continue, but with a welcomed variation. Interestingly, what I have noticed with them is that I am once again having vivid dreams, which I have not had in some time. Of course, it would have to be these ones, right? I can say that they are lucid dreams, in that I am aware that they are dreams when they are occurring, but not to the extent that I can exert any control over them like I used to, before medication. (Maybe I can train myself to control them again?)
Thankfully, while I still had another one of those dreams, it wasn’t about the close platonic friend, W, from yesterday’s post. This time it was about one of the younger physicians, S, with whom I work fairly often and is, as far as I know, straight. While I have always had a thing for redheads, and S and I have gone out for drinks a couple of times, the dream didn’t bother me. (And no, she’s not a redhead I’ve ever had a thing for.) Plus, my (dead) mother popped up in this one. That can kill pretty much any sexually charged situation, even in a dream. (Unfortunately, that observation comes from real life experience.) It actually ended up being a mildly entertaining dream more than anything.
Aside: I’m trying to think of how I want to talk to my therapist about this, not just the dreams but “the celibacy shit stops here” issue, without sounding like I want to go through a “slut phase.” Yes, my opening up to people is so bad that I don’t always open up to my therapist of 5 years, and I really like her. I’m sure it’ll come to me somehow.
I’ve been thinking about why dreams about W would bother me and make me feel the way they did, when I won’t see her for quite some time. I mean, it’s not like I would have any awkward F2F moments to worry about. I see S regularly, and yet, the whole thing with her doesn’t phase me. I think S ended up in it this morning’s dream because of an interaction yesterday. I actually was a little irritated with her. In a way, it seemed to be totally coincidental. Poor girl.
As I do with most things, I pondered and analyzed and mulled over this…
- My hypothesis is that the difference lies in the fact that S doesn’t really know anything of substance about me; whereas, W does and continues to know more and more, if she is reading these posts. I think that with W’s sexuality, my respect for her, and the space that we occupy in each others’ lives, maybe, at first glance, the dreams appear to be a crossing of boundaries, and that makes me terribly uncomfortable. I would never want to do anything to jeopardize our friendship, because, as she said herself, it IS unique, but in the dreams, in my opinion, that is exactly what I have done. While no actual harm was done, because it existed only in my mind (and the scenario didn’t play out that way), I still don’t want to cross that line even in a sleep state, because it seems disrespectful or something. Again, once would have been fine, it was the recurrence that bothered me. (Oddly, I’ve never had this concern about someone before. Why now?)
- Why would that even come up in my dreams? I’m not sure. It could be, as I’ve read, that dreams of sex between friends can mean nothing truly sexual and just be an representation of the level of intimacy between them. (NO SHIT, you don’t say. Hey subconscious, that’s a pretty unsubtle way to spell out intimacy. Thanks.) Maybe it’s my brain’s way of dealing with opening up and trying not to question things, but rather to just “embrace it.” It’s kind of a fucked up way for the subconscious to work, because it makes me want to do the exact opposite. But I won’t. I read a few other things that could be applied, with regard to the dreams – again the variables in my dreams change things. The frequency could be due to the celibacy issue, but when combined with other variables might mean something else. It would be nice for things to just be straight forward.
I should have prefaced yesterday’s post with the fact that whenever I go out of town for leisure, I usually have dreams that either address something that I am trying to resolve or something I should be working through. I guess because I tend to relax? While this is something that I am continuing to work on – this subject of intimacy – my trip out of town appears to have been the catalyst for the issue to try to unravel itself, or to give me a swift kick in the ass to work a little harder. Lucky me, it has chosen to do so in the oddest, most disturbing, and potentially counterproductive of ways.
I know that my application of patterns displayed over time by different people should not be applied unfairly to everyone who comes into my life. (After all, it isn’t logical; is it?) It doesn’t allow me to see someone for who they really are. So basically, I need to stop thinking so damn much – stop being guided solely by my brain. I am aware that this is an area of my life where I should take inspiration from the fox in The Little Prince who held the key to understanding the world and the people in it. Maybe that will allow me to answer the question of “why now?” We will see.
On the upside, I do think I’m getting closer to figuring my shit out.
The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupery