My energy saving plan

It’s interesting how we accept what we don’t deserve for way too long. Is it because we think we deserve it? Do we think we can change the other person? Do we really think that things will turn around? Will they later on down the road? Do we really care past a certain point?

Recently, I told her that she doesn’t listen, and that for years, I have been saying that I felt like she has invalidated my concerns. I don’t feel like my work interests her, so yeah, I’ve stopped talking to her. I listen to her talk about work all the time. Every company she has worked for/ran and the issues she faces interests me. Maybe that is just the difference between us. She says part of the difference is her stuff is easier to understand, and I studied it in school. Maybe that is valid. (But she has also periodically blamed it on my inability to see social cues, so there is that…)

In therapy the other night, we discussed the fact that I took off my ring. I had explained a couple of weeks ago to C that I had not taken it off to spite her, but that I was tired of wearing it if it didn’t mean anything. I sent both C and the therapist a part of the blog entry about the ring and added that it was the combination of time with a friend and the flirtation of the 25 year old (of whom they were both aware) that made it really sink in regarding how long it had been since I felt appreciated or attractive to someone else.

There is no symbolism to the ring, so I finally took it off. I’ve been the one to give the “I love you’s and you look nice, etc. for years with no reciprocation.” While I mean them, I feel like an idiot. We can work toward whatever it is that we are working toward, but I’m not going to play the fool any longer. After seven years of one-sidededness, it’s almost humiliating.

I am not going to make an effort, if she isn’t. As I like to say about most things, “I can’t care any more than you do.” Some may call it passive-aggressive; I call it energy-saving.

For now, there is a strain on the only part of us left, the friendship part, which had been really good. I have withdrawn. Taking the ring off has made a difference for me. I’m sure that I will come back around, but she had noticed. I did not. I had once told someone at work recently that it’s at the point where I stop getting upset about things, when I don’t care, that I am at a dangerous place. When I stop fighting for something, well, it’s a telling spot. Particularly because I’m a fighter. (I don’t know what hill to die on; I prefer to try to die on all of them.)

Status quo wouldn’t be an issue as long as long as we give each other independence. I don’t think she needs it, which is odd, and I think probably part of the problem. We can still do things together as best buds as we have been doing but still do things independently as well as potentially with others too. To some extent, I’ve been doing that. I guess we will see what happens.

-S

 

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