Once again, I can’t sleep – asleep for 3 hours and now wide awake. This time, I’m in a hotel room. My alarm is set to go off in less than 2 hours.
If you thought you were going to die, would you know who or what really mattered to you most? Do you know what all you would say if you had to say goodbye, given an opportunity to do so? Are there loose ends you would want/need to wrap up? Would you start to do things differently, if it turned out to be a “false alarm”? Are there chances you would take that you otherwise wouldn’t, even if you thought they might be a mistake and lead to heartbreak or someone else’s pain?
I had a moment where I thought there was a chance I could die. A couple of days ago, I woke up in the early morning hours with severe radiating chest pain, and I was alone. (However, I realized those were my only symptoms and deduced that I was likely going to be ok and after a couple of hours got a second opinion from a friend.*) But my point is that I had about a half an hour where I thought about the above questions. (in addition to whether I really needed to go to the ER.) I couldn’t answer them. Thinking about it now, for the most part, I still can’t. What I do know for sure is actually kind of sad:
I’m afraid of disappointing the people who matter the most to me – even after death.
THAT IS MY ONLY FEAR REGARDING DEATH. My loved ones will go through my shit, and they will end up thinking less of me for one reason or another. That is what immediately went through my head, when I thought I might die.
How fucking pathetic is that?
*I did end up going to the ER later and getting a thorough cardiac examination.
Enjoy the flashback to 1992 and the movie Boomerang. (I loved this song. Still do, so much that it’s on a playlist.)