I think I’m going to have to start keeping a journal of my moods again. I often, consciously, do not realize when I am under stress, but my body and mind will let me know. I don’t want to tip into an episode of (hypo)mania or depression. It’s tough though, because I may be in an off mood, but I don’t know if it’s just being irritable, hormones, or if it is something that could become problematic.
After seeing numerous healthcare providers after the chest pain episode, I feel like maybe I am being forced to examine things a little more closely. I got asked repeatedly if I have been stressed lately. My response was “I guess maybe a little.” Actually, if I were to take a look at things, an honest fucking hard ass look, it should have been an unequivocal “yes.”
When I look at my previous posts, I can see them, the significant changes. I see what is happening at work, the involuntary departure of my boss, who had always been supportive, to the potential threat to something I have poured myself into for the last 5 years. On top of this, I am in roles that I periodically feel might be better with someone else in them, getting ready to take on some larger projects that might be better led by someone else. I see the stuff in my personal life – a kind of loss to a kind of gain, but wait…that really isn’t the same kind of gain, which in some ways is its own issue. And while I have learned over time to bend so that I do not break, I’m not sure that I have been coping appropriately. I realizing I’m using distractions, and I’m beginning to look for others, not exactly the most healthy way to deal with life. It’s disappointing, because I feel like I’ve been through much worse in the past. This shouldn’t be enough to trigger anything. It’s not like anyone has died.
I was in a whopper of a mood a couple of days ago, and while yesterday and today could be categorized as better, there’s a part of me that is wondering if I’m about to embark on that fight to stay out those places – the ones that feel dark and suffocating or blinding and unstoppable. I know that stress is a trigger, and I can tell that my concentration is off and that I need to work out to get rid of negative energy. (But I can’t, not until I’m cleared by the cardiologist.) While I’ve always been able to hide this in the past, there is always the concern that I will hit a breaking point where everyone will know, for better or for worse. Given past experiences, I’m not sure which I would rather battle, a depressive episode or a (hypo)manic one. There is no winner in either scenario. While I may be able to focus some of the hypomanic energy, it can get out of hand, leading to terribly damaging decision making. One of my worst experiences was during what was most likely characterized as a manic episode.
I have been doing things like backing up all of my stuff and making sure there are there are arrangements for things that I want taken care of, should I not be around. I think I have been saying that it’s because the recent chest pains have scared me into making sure I have things in order, but I wonder if it isn’t more than that. According to pretty much everyone, I didn’t act as concerned as I should have about the chest pain, because they were pretty severe. I didn’t contact anyone for a couple of hours, and didn’t get seen by a healthcare provider until almost 11 hours later. Not my smartest decisions. I rationalized every one, but maybe it was something else. Regardless, I gave my sister instructions for what to do and who she had to contact should something happen.
It’s been a little over a year since the last episode. While this is likely (hopefully) just everyday piss poor moods, I will fight it like I do everything else, it turns out that it isn’t. As I say at work, “I’ll die on this hill, damn it.” OK, bad choice of words.
I guess I’ll just monitor and see. I’m sure it’s probably nothing. But I like to be prepared for anything. Here’s to being optimistic.
Or as I say to people about my approach to life in general, “prepare for the worst but hope for the best.”
What I would give to just have a normal functioning brain…