I told my therapist about the “walking off the train platform” thoughts. C’s theory was that the thoughts weren’t suicidal in nature, but rather they were more about the impulses that I periodically have to tamp down, particularly if I am going through an “upswing,” when it happens much more often. It’s a possibility considering where my thoughts were – wondering how the shock from the tracks would feel, the train, etc. As she puts it, I get urges to do things like push whatever buttons I see. It’s true. I do. I want to know what they will really do. (Sometimes I wonder if I saw the button to a nuclear detonator, if I would have an urge to push it too?) I have had the urge to hit a random stranger in the back of the head when standing behind him in the elevator, for apparently no reason, except to see what would happen. Of course, I know all of these things are wrong, but I always worry about the time when I am not in a place to make that distinction. I’ve given in to something bad once, and I don’t remember doing it. That is the part that scares me the most. The evidence was there though. Luckily it wasn’t the kind of thing that would hurt someone. (No, it didn’t involve buttons.) There were several consequences to this event, to include a misdemeanor, going to court, which was humiliating, and quite a fucked up sense of self for a while. But now, let’s look at last week, shall we…
Do you know those fire alarms, where you push one button in and then pull down a lever? (See pic above) About a week ago, at work, I pushed in the button that was the first of the two steps, but I did stop there.
I WORK IN A 490 BED HOSPITAL – A MAJOR TRAUMA CENTER!
No, I can’t tell you why I actually did it. Why didn’t I stop myself before I even pushed the damn thing, like I always do? I have no idea.
My therapist told me that with these two incidences, the train platform and the alarm, coming within a two week time period, I am “playing with fire.” (I’m sure there was no pun intended.)
Again, I never really want to do what the button intends to do, I just want to see WHAT it will do. I have no fucking clue where that comes from.
But in the case of a fire alarm, IN A HOSPITAL, WHAT THE FUCK?!?!?! That is at least a misdemeanor offense.
Thankfully, just pushing that damn button did nothing. It’s a good thing I don’t like levers too.
So now, I am really REALLY trying to stay aware of where my head is. I’m realizing that I have had all kinds of impulses lately to do things that I know that I probably shouldn’t do – things, people – you name it. Nothing different from any that I’ve had in the past, but still the impulses are problematic just the same, as I know from previous experience. It’s fucking exhausting. This is when I wish I could just function like a “normal” person. You would think that if you don’t have control over anything else in your life, you could at least control your own mind.
Time to get back into some kind of hobby. Preferably something that doesn’t involve other people. Maybe that will keep me out of trouble.
Fuck. I don’t need this right now.